A tongue-in-cheek look of the Secrets of What to Wear in Africa ---------- As I leaf through the latest safari magazines I am amazed at the huge array of clothing, styles, colours and patterns for an African safari... Targeted directly at you, the adventurous hunter embarking on a dream African safari ... Yes, they know you don't know what to expect and of course, every hunter likes to buy hunting stuff - what better excuse could you have, you're going to Africa, you need to be prepared!.... There is the ever popular cut-off vest with pockets and zips worn by the iron men of the industry who are recognised and imortalised through outstanding awards for their sun-bleached hair and Adonis-like bronzed arms, a shiny expensive double rifle draped off one shoulder and a RayBan-shaded glint in their eye! But somewhat more in your face is that ever-present authority on Africa, widely regarded as the best African hunting Writer ever to have trod the fearsome savannah wearing very SHORT shorts. Most ladies will gleefully agree they are quite short shorts and distinct to the man - it's here that the men are separated from the boys. It is the selection of the shorts that will determine your trip success and you simply need to make the right choice! Those long droopy "rap" type shorts worn by open mouthed youngsters which show half their underpants will definitely not cut it. Neither will those lacey towelling "soft" styles usually worn on the beaches of Hawaii by guys called Shakeer, LaWayne and OrangeJellow! You see, there is a cut of shorts which most PHs wear and is quite distinctive across the industry. These shorts are short, they do not hang restrictively over the knee and neither do they pretend to cover up (or highlight) any shortcomings the wearer might have. They are just plain short shorts - they never made the catwalk in any other continent and I cannot imagine who designed them but they are forever doomed to be the fashion pride of the African PH...... ---------- Usually they are black or blue, depending upon what your school's rugby colours were - Zimbabwe seems to have patented the green version. However, after the first wash they fade and decend into an obscurity of hues and shapes particular to the owner and their hunting activities. If you're a PH that crosses rivers at the drop of a hat (or discharge of a shell), discarding any fear for the ever-present ‘flatdogs’ then your shorts may fade faster than usual. Also mandatory wear while water walking is a bandanna holding back flowing hair or covering a receding brow as well as those sandals made from old Firestone tyres and chicken-wire (mostly Zimbabwe PHs) However, if you're the high-and-dry, land-type of PH, sending your trackers in to retrieve the Hippo at dusk, then your shorts would have retained their colour but would show wear in the places obvious to the actions of the PH - faded areas on the waistband of the shorts and holes in the pocket bottoms from standing hands on hips or in pockets watching others do the heavy labour (mostly Zambian PHs). Also, you do get the pair of shorts that are perfectly faded all round which is usually a factory purchased design feature. These shorts are usually well cared for - folded up nightly while hoping they would be worn in the pursuit of big game (mostly South African PHs). These shorts are bought and worn to public meetings, church functions and cake sales. Typically these shorts are complimented by a cotton collared shirt with bright badges on the shoulders sporting fancified company logos - often given free as a booking incentive. ---------- Then you get the shorts that are well worn - they are faded, discoloured and torn - barely hanging from your PH's waist beneath an awesome belly - quite similar to a loincloth. They are part of his anatomy and seldom leave it for the entire safari, often they will bear the bloodmarks of the hunt and will be left like this for days. Usually these shorts do not leave the hunting area, being passed onto the tracker or staff when they have seen their best and dropped from use when they are mere rags, possibly to be picked up and eaten by a hungry Hyena. If your shorts are too short, then they will creep and you are in for a very uncomfortable stalking experience. There is nothing like the feeling of a great wedge creeping into your nether regions as you are about to line up on a trophy Kudu. And of course you do get the perfectly tailored shorts - they are short and very, very neat, pleated at the front with a multitude of pockets and often held up with an ammo belt. These shorts are designed by people who do not hunt for a living - they look good and are sold as the genuine PH article with adverts depicting tanned, muscular hunters kneeling next to Zebra or Impala, puffing out their pockets and pulling at the pleats. ---------- Of all the clothing you are taking to Africa, the correct pair of shorts is essential. But don't stress too much - wear what you are comfortable in when hunting back home. If these are longs, then convert them to shorts, but remember not too short....if your shorts are too short, then they will creep and you are in for a very uncomfortable stalking experience. Can you imagine creeping after buffalo behind someone whose shorts bring a new meaning to the crack of dawn! And when all else fails just remember the colonel, hell...... if he can get along in those shorts then you have nothing to worry about! ----------------------------------------- by Pete Swanepoel jnr